Friday, August 16, 2013

7 Excellent Books You May Not Have Read, and 8 Foods I Like That Are More Healthy Than the 8 on My Last Post

I can't eat all the foods on my prior post every day. I'd die or be even fatter and hairier and uglier and belch like a KING more. So, some goodness:

Food first, this time (books soon):

(8) Homemade SCREAMING "pico de gallo," my way: tiny chopped up tomatoes, green peppers, red bell peppers, habanero peppers, jalapeno peppers, red onion, and cilantro, all balanced to your desire . . . all doused in lime juice and Old Crow. Dip some healthier chips in this.

(7) Scrambled Eggs (eggs, skim milk) and Brainiac Avocados. Cook the eggs. Slice an avocado in half longways and scoop out the pit. Scoop the green goodness out and stir it in with the eggs. SAVE THE PIT! Because you wanna PLUG YOUR ASS with it to help control the pico de gallo from the night before.

(6) PB&TB Sammich: Wheat bread toasted. A thin spreading of peanut butter on each piece. Three slices of TURKEY bacon slapped in the middle. Heaven.

(5) Peel an orange, you lazy shit. Eat it. Pulp and all.

(4) A bowl of almonds and cherry tomatoes. THIS IS MY GO-TO MEAL AT WRITER'S CONVENTIONS because both last all 3 days and are healthy and filling.

(3) Any healthy cereal AND WATER. Milk, you fucker?! My old man was the youngest of 7 kids and had to eat his cornflakes with water!!!!!!! Suck it up!

(2) Guinness and beef jerky. SHUT UP!

(1) Canned mixed veggies, with peas and carrots. SAVE THEM! The apocalypse may come at any time. This, with Guinness and an orange, can sustain you. (If you like cannibalism, too.)

7 books?

I could be an ass and just suggest mine, (7) Back Roads & Frontal Lobes, a collection of 23 weird/dark tales, but I'll add 6 more:

(6) Necromancer by C. Bryan Brown. Noir and the supernatural mixed.

(5) Red Wine and Words, a short story collection by Emma Ennis. Dark shorts with everything from psychological to supernatural to mythical.

(4) Norwood by Charles Portis--wry, funny stuff. Author of True Grit.

(3) Shoebox Train Wreck by John Mantooth--masterful Southern Gothic and dark stuff.

(2) The Wide, Carnivorous Sky and Other Monstrous Geographies by John Langan--everything Lovecraftian, surreal, literary, and everything beyond.

(1) ANY book that is outside your "wheelhouse." There's a lot of good stuff out there that's not in your favorite genre.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

My 4 Least Favorite Classic/Popular/Cult Books and My 8 Favorite Things to Eat

These books blow chunks and make me not want to eat:

(1) The Short Stories of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Whiny stories, boring stories, wimpy stories, tedious stories. Sometimes people drink--that's the good thing (but they drink stupid drinks).

(2) American Psycho. Boring, even though it's sick and twisted. Mixes sex and violence. Big deal. Downright offensive to women. Yuppie blah blah. Makes a statement about capitalism. Big deal. States the obvious.

(3) Gravity's Rainbow. What the FUCK?

(4) The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Translation: Joke that's not funny, wit that that's not witty, joke that is lame, wit that is tame . . .

These foods help me regain my appetite:

(1) Fried chicken
(2) Fried bologna sandwich

(3) Breaded frog legs

(4) Fried yellow squash and zucchini

(5) Fried okra

(6) Eggs, over easy, with grits

(7) BLT

(8) Hamburger with onions and hot peppers